Thoughts on BDSM and Kink

BDSM tends to have an image problem.

It’s often seen as serious and dark, formal and intimidating. Lots of red and black. Fancy stylized clothing. Complex tools. A whole vibe that can feel scary or inaccessible.

But that picture is only a small slice of the truth.

As DAN SAVAGE—A WELL-KNOWN SEX ADVICE COLUMNIST, AUTHOR, AND PODCAST HOST WHO HAS BEEN A PROMINENT VOICE IN SEXUAL EDUCATION AND QUEER CULTURE FOR DECADES— famously says, BDSM IS COPS AND ROBBERS FOR GROWNUPS—WITH YOUR PANTS OFF AND ORGASMS.

There are many different ways to be kinky. Here, I want to focus on the LIGHTHEARTED, PLAYFUL, AND FUN SIDES OF KINK AND BDSM—the parts that often get left out of mainstream portrayals.

Kinksters Are Often Nerds (In the Best Way)

PEOPLE IN THE KINK AND BDSM COMMUNITY tend to be nerds.

Be prepared for Star references—both Trek and Wars. Or spontaneous neuroscience chats. Or deep dives into the nuanced merits of different flogger designs.

If you like enthusiasm, curiosity, and people who love to learn, you’ll probably feel right at home in KINK COMMUNITIES.

You Can Wear Whatever You Want

There’s a persistent myth that BDSM AND KINK require dramatic dominatrix outfits or ultra-polished aesthetics. While those looks are hot and fun (and yes, Bonding is an excellent show), they are absolutely not the norm—or a requirement.

At KINK EVENTS AND BDSM SPACES, you’ll see everything:

• lingerie

• role-play costumes

• shorts and a tank top

• “normie” clothes

• or just a classic naked birthday suit

Often, the most surprising and exciting fantasies are hiding inside the most casual-looking people. The contrast can be delicious.

BDSM Isn’t Just Heteronormative Gender Roles

This was a big sticking point for me early on.

I kept seeing the same trope: dominant man in slacks and a button-down doing impact play on a hot woman in lingerie. There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s popular because it works for a lot of people.

But I wanted to see MY AESTHETIC REPRESENTED IN BDSM AND KINK SPACES.

When I found kink groups with more trans people, fat people, punks, same-sex pairings, creative outfits, and nontraditional dynamics, I finally felt at home.

DOMINANTS AND SUBMISSIVES OF ALL GENDERS, BODY TYPES, AND IDENTITIES exist. BDSM AND KINK are expansive, inclusive, and deeply personal.

You Don’t Need Expensive Toys

You don’t need expensive gear—or purchased toys at all—to explore BDSM PLAY.

Enter: PERVERTABLES IN BDSM. Everyday objects (like a wooden spoon) repurposed for play, especially great when you’re starting out.

A friend of mine loves pulling out her toy bag full of dollar-store goodies:

• floggers made of gimp

• pastel plastic star beads (surprisingly ouchy)

But the star of the show? A HOT WHEELS TRACK USED AS A BDSM IMPACT TOY. It’s cute, funny, and delivers a satisfying sting.

That bag is full of sparkly, colorful, surprising tools—and it perfectly represents the FRIENDLY, COLLABORATIVE NATURE OF THE KINK COMMUNITY.

And I will always cherish the memory of my girlfriend asking a teenage Walmart employee for wooden rulers… and watching the dawning horror on his face as he realized what they might be used for.

BDSM Is About Energy and Power

At its core, BDSM AND KINK ARE ABOUT ENERGY, POWER, AND CONSENT.

You can explore POWER DYNAMICS IN BDSM without tools, props, or elaborate scenes. My earliest explorations happened mostly through verbal fantasy layered onto “vanilla” lesbian sex.

My energetic cock is powerful and just as hot as a strap-on.

A dominant look—or a simple “GOOD GIRL” IN BDSM PLAY—can restrain someone just as effectively as leather cuffs or rope.

Curiosity Creates Turn-On

Being open to things you didn’t think you were into is one of the fastest ways to access intense arousal through KINK EXPLORATION.

Read. Listen to people’s stories. Invite your partner(s) to share something a little edgy.

Let this be slow and gentle.

Be prepared to sit with an initial reaction and then get curious about why something turns them on. Sort through what belongs to you versus what’s CULTURAL CONDITIONING AROUND SEX AND BDSM.

A classic example: the knee-jerk rejection of a foot fetish. That reaction usually comes from media stereotypes and closed-minded narratives.

Ask better questions:

• What CORE DESIRES IN BDSM AND KINK does this fulfill?

• What feels exciting or comforting about it?

• Would it really hurt to try?

Play Means Permission to Be Messy

One of the most mind-expanding things I’ve learned from the KINK AND BDSM COMMUNITY is permission to make mistakes.

To try something and have it not be what you thought.
To fuck around and find out.

At first, I thought that if I tried something, I had to do it well, smoothly, and enjoy it. Learning that BDSM PLAY IS A PROCESS OF DISCOVERY allowed my nervous system to relax.

When I realized I could say, “Sorry, that didn’t really do it for me,” my perfectionism softened. I felt more self-love, more forgiveness, and more pride in simply trying.

And when something did land—when I dropped into DOM-SPACE OR SUB-SPACE—that natural high felt even sweeter.

Core Desires Are the Key

Learning your CORE DESIRES IN SEX, KINK, AND BDSM—what you want to feel—creates flexibility.

There are many paths to the same destination. When you know the feeling you’re seeking, you can design experiences that meet you there in countless ways.

Final Takeaways

Relax.
Enjoy the ride.
Be open to new things.

Listen to your yes.
Honor your no.

Make friends in the KINK COMMUNITY.
Go as slow as you need.

Question clichés about BDSM AND KINK.
Listen to your body.
Be gentle with yourself.

Use discernment without default judgment.
Ask for what you want.

Someone out there is just waiting for you to ask."